Your Check Is Ready
You must be very eager to have such a large check mailed to you. At the moment, it is sitting, pert and pretty, on our desk, waiting to be mailed.
March 2, 2020
X-Treme Rules of the X.F.L.
We have created this helpful guide to usher you through the X-Citing, X-Cessive football game play that revolutionizes the boring old No Fun League.
February 24, 2020
To My Relatives
If you are reading this, I am dead. Please have me cremated. Then form the ashes into the shape of me. Then deep-fry me. Then bury me with full military honors.
February 10, 2020
Etymology of Some Common Typos
The word “jumptde” is an elongated verb form of pre-Celtic origin, later common in Turkic languages, which fell out of favor when it became kind of a pain.
February 3, 2020
I’ve been lying awake reliving a two-second awkward experience I had in front of a casual acquaintance three years ago. Sure, I’ll hold.
January 27, 2020
The Same-Sex Lives of the Animal Kingdom
I’m not a sex crustacean—I’m just me. And if that means using my genetically enlarged right claw to attract other singles for a last-ditch attempt at romance in a tank at Red Lobster, so be it.
January 20, 2020
Zillow Listings of New York City
Here’s one in our price range: great light, updated appliances. It’s a handicapped bathroom in a WeWork. Only a block off the 6 train!
January 13, 2020
Sideline Interview with Sisyphus
“I feel like maybe the rock just wanted it more,” Sisyphus said, after his opponent rolled back down the hill. “A rock that big, you really have to bring your A game to get it to stay up there.”
January 6, 2020
Life of Einstein
When Einstein got remarried, to his cousin Elsa, in 1919, he discovered the true meaning of relativity.
December 30, 2019
The Electable Female Candidate
She pays herself only ten per cent less than what she pays the men who work for her.
December 9, 2019